ADHD in relationships can cause various challenges such as distractability and hyperactivity which results in missed dates, unkept promises, impulsive decisions, and/or resentment for unequal participation in chores (Psychology Today, n.d.). However, the disorder does not mean that people who have or date someone with ADHD can't have a healthy and functional relationship. What it does mean is that it requires work and understanding from both sides to work together as a team to confront challenges. Follow the 4 tips below to help your ADHD relationship thrive:
4 Tips for Dating Someone with ADHD
1) Get Educated
ADHD affects several different areas of the brain including the frontal cortex, limbic system, basal ganglia, and reticular activating system (Silver, 2023). So while your partner may look like they are functioning the same as a neurotypical person, unseen deficiencies and impaired activity are happening in their brain (Silver, 2023). Therefore not only can ADHD affect your cognition, but it also affects your behaviors, communication, and more. So understanding the basic symptoms of ADHD is crucial to understanding how your partner thinks, acts, and communicates in their day-to-day life. In addition, when you start to learn more about ADHD, you'll soon be able to differentiate ADHD symptoms from your partner's personality.
To do this, you can learn from numerous online resources or get it right from the source: your partner. Since no ADHD is the same, having open conversations about your partner's ADHD is an excellent way to gain insight (Miller, 2021). During these conversations make sure that you actively listening and being sympathetic so that are not making your partner feel judged or dismissed (Miller, 2021). Not only will you feel closer to your partner after these conversations, but you might also feel validated in knowing that a past negative experience was just a result of their ADHD and not who they are as a person.
For example, if you feel as if your partner with ADHD is not giving you their full undivided attention, it might seem as if they don't care. However. it could be a symptom of their ADHD and they might not even realize they are doing this and making their partner feel bad.
2) Honesty and Communication
Building a relationship on honesty and communication is crucial for any relationship to thrive, but even more so in ADHD relationships. While it may be difficult to talk about the hard topics, especially due to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) and its high occurrence in people with ADHD, they are necessary to talk about. To deal with these tough topics, come into the conversation from a calm and non-accusatory standing, state your feelings by "I feel like x when you do y", and use the compliment sandwich to soften the impact. The compliment sandwich refers to starting with a positive compliment, giving constructive feedback, and then ending with a closing statement reaffirming the positive comment.
For example, if your ADHD partner struggles with chronic lateness find a time to sit down with them and explain how this makes you feel. Acknowledge that you understand how they might find it hard to perceive time and planning isn't their thing, but explain how being on time can be beneficial for them. In addition, ask if they can come up with ways to make sure they can work on it in the future or perhaps you can brainstorm together on ideas to help.
3) Red Flags VS Deal Breakers
While ADHD symptoms can present red flags in relationships (e.g, impulsivity) people can adapt and change for the better. However, some symptoms can lead to deeper issues, creating a greater strain on a relationship. These symptoms include lack of motivation, trouble managing finances, impulsive spending, chronic unemployment, substance use disorder, and anger issues (Miller, 2023). Therefore, it is important to understand your deal breakers and know that ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse.
For example, if your partner is showing signs of anger issues despite having multiple conversations to try to help them work out their feelings, urge them to talk to a professional. If they are unwilling to change, then maybe it is time to reassess how you feel about how this affects you and your relationship with your partner.
4) Appreciate Efforts & Acknowledge Good Intentions
When your partner makes an effort to understand your needs, make sure to appreciate it! This goes both ways in a relationship but acknowledgment, even for the small things, can go a long way (Batten, 2003) . Maintaining a good relationship means both people are empathetic and understanding towards each other despite the situation. By doing this, you and your partner can overcome any ADHD relationship struggle together as a team.
For example, if your partner has worked hard to stop being chronically late by setting an alarm and starting to get ready earlier, acknowledge that and let them know they are doing a good job! This will then encourage them to keep trying to change and form habits to stop being chronically late.
Overall, relationships with a person with ADHD can present more struggles but it is all about how you handle the struggles in a healthy and constructive way. And remember, even though there may be hardships when dating a person with ADHD there are benefits as well such as...
Creativity and energy
Passion and spontaneity
Open-mindedness
Unique perspectives
Empathy and understanding
Want to learn more? Check out this article for more information.
References:
Batten, L. (2023, February 7). 5 ADHD relationship challenges you may encounter. https://www.theminiadhdcoach.com/living-with-adhd/adhd-relationship-struggles
Miller, G. (2021, July 20). 7 practical tips when you’re dating someone who has ADHD. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/adhd/adhd-impact-on-relationships-tips-to-help
Psychology Today. (n.d.). ADHD and Relationships. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/basics/adhd/adhd-and-relationships
Silver, L. (2023, June 29). The neuroscience of the ADHD brain [Video]. ADDitude. https://www.additudemag.com/neuroscience-of-adhd-brain/
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